Yesterday I had a difficult discussion with my partner.  He was annoyed, well quite angry really, with me for how I had behaved on our skiing holiday. You might think it was my crushette on the handsome Spanish ski instructor that sparked off this anger, but no, it was something else althogether.

Paul did not want me to come on the skiing holiday.  He wanted a boys’ activity week that would not involve him having to deal with my fear of heights, fear of flying, fear of hurting my knee, fear of going down a mountain at speed.  You can see where he’s coming from maybe.  However, me being me and not liking it when I don’t get my own way, and to be fair to myself, up for a challenge as I said in my last post, I muscled my way into the holiday telling myself as long as I was on best behaviour and controlled my fears it ‘d be ok.  I thought I had been on my best behaviour and had dealt with my fears and issues well….  Apparently not well enough.

I had a great time overall.  Paul also had a great time, but only when I wasn’t around.  My fears and needs really got in the way just as he’d feared, and he didn’t get to have the boys’ week he’d hoped for. 

It’s been a hard lesson for me to learn.  I’d hoped he’d share in my achievements and challenges and encourage me to move through my fears.  Yes of course he does, but not on his time off when he’s trying to relax and have a good time.  This morning after my yoga practise, which was hard as I was spitting with resentment and rejection, I managed to see it from his point of view.  Almost. You could say it was wrong of me to insist I go on the holiday in the first place.  Or that I was selfish in not listening to his needs.

Time and time again, I come back to the lesson of expectations, and not seeing the world as it really is, but as how we want it to be.  Ignorance in buddhist and yogic terms is one of the ways of describing this.    In the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, (the first person to write down the basics of the yogic way) Patanjali talks about the obstacles we have to face on our journey:

“misapprehensions, confused values, excessive attachments, unreasonable dislikes, and insecurity“.

 All of those apply to me in this episode I think.  And what do I do about it?  Blow me if I know the answer.  But to quote Patanjali again:

“It is only when the correct practise is followed for a long time, without interruptions and with a quality of positive attitdute and eagerness, that it can succeed“

I take that to mean, don’t give up and be positive.  I haven’t really got a clue though and in the meantime, anyone who’s managed to stick at a long term relationship is welcome to give me tips.  Please.